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The Puke Story

Posted by ashlybauserman on January 18, 2012 at 6:30 PM

If you don't like a good projectile vomitting story, I'd recommend that you stop reading right about now!


GOD - I wish I had pulled out my i-phone today to film the insanity that happened on my way to work, but I was too busy trying to make sure that I didn't join in during the hurling game and crash into someone else.


This morning Phil (my brother and best friend) was complaining that he didn't feel well and spent a little extra time in the toilet.  When we got into my car to drive to work I thought I was helping him out by giving him a few of those colorful Tums that help settle your stomach.  Boy, that was the first mistake.


About 20 minutes later, I could see Phillip was struggling and tried to drive a little bit slower to see if that would help him at all.  I heard him cough up some phlegm and scramble to find somewhere to spit it out in.  My car is basically a haven for empty bottles so that wasn't too difficult and luckily he reached out for a bottle that had a greater diameter (thank God Chris drinks gatorade!).  All of a sudden I heard the hurling noise that is all too familiar to us college students!  I look over and there is Phil trying desperately to puke into this bottle meanwhile obviously managing to spray it all around as well.  And he keeps trying to make it into that poor bottle as it keeps filling up more and more and the sprays get worse and worse.  I scream "MY PURSE" which was by his feet and he bigns to projectile vomit like a true warrior seemingly using every muscle in his body and this loud grunting followed by sprays of disgustingness.  Pure chaos.  Do you look?  Do you breathe through your mouth?  Do you roll down the windows?  Do you just focus on getting to the.... BLEEEEEEARRRRRRREHHHH=.  I'm on auto pilot just thinking, "Ashly, you can do it - you can make it to the closest gas station!"  You have to imagine that I couldn't look to my right really because I knew I would witness this dude just covered in tums, old pizza, rice and chicken.  That's the thing about living with someone, you even know what they're throwing up!  Out of the corner of my eye I see the next "intelligent" thing that Phillip does which is use his jacket as a shield!  He covers his head and as much as he can to make sure to contain all the puke even though that just makes him puke even more as the nastiness is all over him!


Finally on my rearview mirror I caught a glimpse of an emptier highway and went straight to the gas station.  As soon as I parked the car I heard Phil get out and the sound of puddles of vomit drip from him to the ground and make that final plopping sound.  The poor thing went to the bathroom to keep up the momentum and then to wash himself off meanwhile I did what I do best, made friends with the guys working at the station and smoked one of their cigarettes.  I was so caught off guard and confused by what happened that I just found myself laughing hysterically as I played everything back in my mind.  I couldn't help but die of laughter when Phil came out with his winter jacket bundled up, his shirt and pants covered with stains of the evidence and a look on his face like he had been through the battle of all battles.  He just smiles and knows everything is fine.  The first thing he says is.... "Ashly, I hope I didn't devalue your car."  It still makes me crack up just remembering the look on his face and the fact that that's the first thing he thinks about!  He's a sweetheart.


Needless to say I had to drop him off at home and go get my car totally shampood.  It cost $80 and 3 hours of my time, but it was totally a bonding moment for Phil and I!  The best part of it all was when I told my Dad what happened and he just responds with..... "alrighty, yup" and that's it.


Every day I literally fall more and more in love with my family and give thanks to God for putting us all together again so that we could have so many unique experiences together.  So the moral of the story is that even moments that seemingly are more difficult can be filled with tons of love and make for a great bonding story :)  For anyone who knows Phil, wish him well as he's still in bed at the moment!


Phil, I love you buddy!



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